Dear Katherine,
For our first date, we went to a local paint-your-own pottery place. I picked you up at about 2:00pm and we headed over to the store. I was very excited to spend time with you and get to know you. Yes, it was a little awkward at first, but over time we have become much more comfortable with each other.
When we got to the store, we looked around at all of the dusty, white clay items available to be painted. The entire store was lined with everything you can imagine: plates, bowls, cups, figurines, piggy banks, skulls, frogs, words and phrases, flower pots, salt and pepper shakers, plaques, baskets and a whole lot more that we never even discovered. You were drawn right away to two figurines: an elephant and a turtle. I chose a rounded mug and a small pumpkin, and we got started.
We both worked at our creations very intently, and we really didn't talk much beyond commenting on our progress. "Can I use that green?" and "Awww....crap! I really messed this up" were typical excerpts from our conversation. Even though I paint canvases and draw all kinds of beautiful pictures, painting pottery is hard for me for some reason! You, on the other hand, seemed very confident about your color choices and you really went after your design without any hesitation.
You never knew it, but I was also a little nervous at that store because I saw someone there that I didn't want to be around. A coworker of mine whom I had reported for sexually harassing me was very close by, participating in what looked like a birthday party for one of his daughters. I really did my best to not let his presence ruin my time with you and I think I succeeded, but I will admit I was glad to finally leave. We had to leave our creations at the store to be fired in their ovens, and I would have to come back later and pick up the finished works. By the time we left it was dinner time, so we stopped at a drive thru restaurant and grabbed a bite to eat before heading back to your house.
Although we were pretty quiet while we painted, during the drive to and from the pottery place I asked you a lot of questions about yourself. I know you are shy but it was hard to tell because you answered all of my questions with perfect clarity and elaborated at great length. Here are some things I have learned about you during those first few meetings we had:
You are the oldest girl in a family of five children. Your older brother is a year ahead of you in school and he attends one of the best high schools in our area and is able to be bussed to that location by the school system. It is your mother's goal to get you into this school as well when you enter the ninth grade next year. You love your brother and used to be close friends but have grown apart a little in the last year since he has started high school. He is much more quiet than he used to be and you two don't talk as much. He seems to spend a lot of his time sleeping. You used to play outside with him quite a bit; pickup games of football and basketball being your favorite activities together.
You have that unique bond with your mother that all older girls have. You love her very much and you feel a certain responsibility to her, to protect her and worry about her. She depends on you and probably expects more from you than the others, and although this is the cause of some conflicts, you feel privileged to be her right hand. You seem to know a lot about your mom's job and her responsibilities at work. You've told me about some challenges she has with one of her managers and also with some of her own employees. Your mom has aspirations of moving up in her company and you have complete faith in her abilities. You've expressed concern that your mom doesn't take care of herself, and you worry about her. She lost her last pair of contacts and can't see well and has headaches as a result. It bothers you that she won't wear her glasses instead.
You like your school and you've been in the same neighborhood (although in many many different houses) your entire life and so as a result you have known most of your friends since 1st grade. You don't have a single best friend, but instead have a larger group of friends which you hang out with on a regular basis. You are very philosophical about friendship and have made some very sage observations about how to make things happen within the group. You even gave me advice one time when I complained about how I go to the movies with my friends but I always end up seeing some kind of sappy movie that I'm not interested in. You told me that I should agree to the original move that I don't like, but then in the meantime I should secretly approach my friends one by one and get them interested in the movie I want to see, and then this would culminate in a victory for me on the movie night when I would innocently make the comment that I would rather see my movie and then all of the friends I had influenced would chime in. You told me this tactic works for you all the time. Very sneaky, Katherine! :)
When I dropped you off that evening, we decided to go to a local outdoor attraction for our next outing together. We waved goodbye and I drove home, feeling tired but satisfied. It was a great experience and I was hopeful about our next trip together. More next time!
Love,
Caroline
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Our First Meeting
Dear Katherine,
When I sat down for my in depth interview with my BBBS caseworker, Allison, she asked me what qualities I was looking for in a Little Sister. I told her that I was very open to any type of girl but she pressed me so I finally gave her some guiding points to help her in her search. She also wanted to know a lot about me, so that she could give information about me to a possible Little Sister match, and the parents of the girl as well. It was probably only a week later that Allison called me. Her voice was very animated and excited as she described you to me- my perfect match.
She said you were shy (so am I) and that you were very quiet and reflective (so am I). She also said you LOVE to read (so do I!) and that you are the oldest daughter of five siblings (me, too!). As it turns out, both of our biological fathers are in prison, and we both have a tendency to be overly responsible. I suppose that is a trait that comes with being the oldest in a single parent home. I had told Allison that I'm not really the type that is interested in hanging out at the mall all the time and I'm not really into keeping up with the latest fashions. When she told me you couldn't care less about those things, either, I knew we were perfect for each other and I couldn't wait to meet you.
I remember that first meeting and I'm sure you do, also. Allison and I came over to your house and I met your mother, siblings and of course- you! Pulling up to the house, I was reminded of my husband's childhood home. His parents had 11 children in a 3 bedroom, rundown house in the ghetto. I've been in the house many times and I recognized some similarities within your home. Immediately, I felt that I understood you a little more than most outsiders, because I have the inside view from my husband's experiences about what it is like growing up in poverty. He told me that there were times in his childhood that he could remember not having anything to eat. Sometimes they would go a week with nothing but rice on the table. Everything he ever owned was a hand-me-down, and not a "gently used" hand-me-down, either. Their family relied not on cheap, thrift store clothing, but on free charity handouts for clothing. My husband had two older brothers and five younger brothers. When the oldest got it first, the item was already badly worn out, and by the time my husband got it his two older brothers had already worn it and outgrown it. I'm sure you can imagine what it looked like by the time it made its way down the chain. My husband once got a pair of almost brand new name brand sneakers. They were his favorite possession ever because he got them first, before any other brothers, and they were Nikes. It didn't matter that he didn't like the color or wouldn't have chosen the design- he was just grateful to have almost new shoes with such a cool name brand.
My husband was highly conscious of his poverty as a child. He was ashamed of his house, his family car, his parents, his clothing and ultimately himself. This is the great tragedy of poverty, in my opinion. Children grow up equating themselves with their environment. I know my husband did. His family never had friends over because of the shame. You may or may not have any of these feelings about your home, but I want you to know that many people experience this kind of childhood. No, you never see it in the Disney movies, and no, we don't know anyone famous who lives like that, even though millions of Americans in every city and state experience hunger and poverty on a daily basis.
It is a fact that children in these circumstances start life several steps behind. They don't get the best education, they don't get the best health care and they don't get the best nutrition. If you live in the worst neighborhoods, you go to the worst schools and you have the least opportunity. The odds may be against you, but you can still come out strong. You can still overcome and live your dreams. I hope that you do.
I saw all of this in the split second that I walked up the steps to your house and knocked on the door. I don't just see the bad neighborhood and the dog chained to the front steps, I see your pain and your insecurity. I want to help. I have to remind myself what Allison said, and what BBBS stresses to us Big Sisters: we aren't here to change your circumstances. We aren't here to give you money and to buy you things. We are here to be your friend. As much as I want to change where you live and go to school, and as much as I want to buy you new clothes and pretty jewelry, I can't do those things. So, I need to work hard and be the best friend that I can be to you. I need to listen to you, take you seriously and be silly with you and put you at ease. I need to strive to be a better person so that I can set a good example for you; so that I can be a worthy mentor.
What about you, Katherine? What did I see when I first saw you? I'm smiling as I write this because I can remember exactly. I was sitting on the couch in the living room, talking to Allison and your mom when you finally shuffled in. What can I say? You are beautiful. You have gorgeous skin (I've always struggled with acne, and I'm jealous!) You have pretty blue eyes and wore glasses. Your light brown hair was pulled up tightly. If you looked at me, I never saw you; you must have been sneaky. You seemed completely uninterested in me, and I began to wonder if maybe this wasn't something you were really interested in, maybe it was something your mom was making you do. But, that wasn't the case. I couldn't even tell if you were listening as we talked, and you really hadn't spoken a word the whole time until I asked you if you had any ideas about what you wanted to do on our first date. You surprised me by speaking right up and telling me you wanted to go to the local Paint Your Own Pottery place. I smiled because you must have already been planning this.
Your mother told me a lot about you during that meeting. She said you were very shy and that you loved reading. She said you were a really good daughter and that you helped her tremendously with your family. When she mentioned your baby sister, you smiled shyly. You have the most adorable smile. It is so sweet because you try to hold it in, but it just leaks out all over your face through your cheeks, your lips and especially your blue eyes. You can't hide it when you smile. You have a special bond with your baby sister, just like I do with my baby brother. I understand that feeling completely. Your mom also told me you were very smart and got very good grades. She doesn't like it that you are so responsible and she wants you to have time to be a kid and to have fun. She wants you to gain confidence through this mentorship, and she wants you to get out of the house and to have fun- to be selfish for once. I think that's wonderful, Katherine. I know you and your mother have your difficulties (as all mothers and daughters do) but I know she wants the best for you, and I am grateful that she cared enough to put you in this program so that we could meet. You and your mom love each other and I want to encourage you to keep that relationship strong.
So! I met you, I met your mom and siblings, I saw your home and we made our plans for our first date together. I'm so glad we did.
Love,
Caroline
When I sat down for my in depth interview with my BBBS caseworker, Allison, she asked me what qualities I was looking for in a Little Sister. I told her that I was very open to any type of girl but she pressed me so I finally gave her some guiding points to help her in her search. She also wanted to know a lot about me, so that she could give information about me to a possible Little Sister match, and the parents of the girl as well. It was probably only a week later that Allison called me. Her voice was very animated and excited as she described you to me- my perfect match.
She said you were shy (so am I) and that you were very quiet and reflective (so am I). She also said you LOVE to read (so do I!) and that you are the oldest daughter of five siblings (me, too!). As it turns out, both of our biological fathers are in prison, and we both have a tendency to be overly responsible. I suppose that is a trait that comes with being the oldest in a single parent home. I had told Allison that I'm not really the type that is interested in hanging out at the mall all the time and I'm not really into keeping up with the latest fashions. When she told me you couldn't care less about those things, either, I knew we were perfect for each other and I couldn't wait to meet you.
I remember that first meeting and I'm sure you do, also. Allison and I came over to your house and I met your mother, siblings and of course- you! Pulling up to the house, I was reminded of my husband's childhood home. His parents had 11 children in a 3 bedroom, rundown house in the ghetto. I've been in the house many times and I recognized some similarities within your home. Immediately, I felt that I understood you a little more than most outsiders, because I have the inside view from my husband's experiences about what it is like growing up in poverty. He told me that there were times in his childhood that he could remember not having anything to eat. Sometimes they would go a week with nothing but rice on the table. Everything he ever owned was a hand-me-down, and not a "gently used" hand-me-down, either. Their family relied not on cheap, thrift store clothing, but on free charity handouts for clothing. My husband had two older brothers and five younger brothers. When the oldest got it first, the item was already badly worn out, and by the time my husband got it his two older brothers had already worn it and outgrown it. I'm sure you can imagine what it looked like by the time it made its way down the chain. My husband once got a pair of almost brand new name brand sneakers. They were his favorite possession ever because he got them first, before any other brothers, and they were Nikes. It didn't matter that he didn't like the color or wouldn't have chosen the design- he was just grateful to have almost new shoes with such a cool name brand.
My husband was highly conscious of his poverty as a child. He was ashamed of his house, his family car, his parents, his clothing and ultimately himself. This is the great tragedy of poverty, in my opinion. Children grow up equating themselves with their environment. I know my husband did. His family never had friends over because of the shame. You may or may not have any of these feelings about your home, but I want you to know that many people experience this kind of childhood. No, you never see it in the Disney movies, and no, we don't know anyone famous who lives like that, even though millions of Americans in every city and state experience hunger and poverty on a daily basis.
It is a fact that children in these circumstances start life several steps behind. They don't get the best education, they don't get the best health care and they don't get the best nutrition. If you live in the worst neighborhoods, you go to the worst schools and you have the least opportunity. The odds may be against you, but you can still come out strong. You can still overcome and live your dreams. I hope that you do.
I saw all of this in the split second that I walked up the steps to your house and knocked on the door. I don't just see the bad neighborhood and the dog chained to the front steps, I see your pain and your insecurity. I want to help. I have to remind myself what Allison said, and what BBBS stresses to us Big Sisters: we aren't here to change your circumstances. We aren't here to give you money and to buy you things. We are here to be your friend. As much as I want to change where you live and go to school, and as much as I want to buy you new clothes and pretty jewelry, I can't do those things. So, I need to work hard and be the best friend that I can be to you. I need to listen to you, take you seriously and be silly with you and put you at ease. I need to strive to be a better person so that I can set a good example for you; so that I can be a worthy mentor.
What about you, Katherine? What did I see when I first saw you? I'm smiling as I write this because I can remember exactly. I was sitting on the couch in the living room, talking to Allison and your mom when you finally shuffled in. What can I say? You are beautiful. You have gorgeous skin (I've always struggled with acne, and I'm jealous!) You have pretty blue eyes and wore glasses. Your light brown hair was pulled up tightly. If you looked at me, I never saw you; you must have been sneaky. You seemed completely uninterested in me, and I began to wonder if maybe this wasn't something you were really interested in, maybe it was something your mom was making you do. But, that wasn't the case. I couldn't even tell if you were listening as we talked, and you really hadn't spoken a word the whole time until I asked you if you had any ideas about what you wanted to do on our first date. You surprised me by speaking right up and telling me you wanted to go to the local Paint Your Own Pottery place. I smiled because you must have already been planning this.
Your mother told me a lot about you during that meeting. She said you were very shy and that you loved reading. She said you were a really good daughter and that you helped her tremendously with your family. When she mentioned your baby sister, you smiled shyly. You have the most adorable smile. It is so sweet because you try to hold it in, but it just leaks out all over your face through your cheeks, your lips and especially your blue eyes. You can't hide it when you smile. You have a special bond with your baby sister, just like I do with my baby brother. I understand that feeling completely. Your mom also told me you were very smart and got very good grades. She doesn't like it that you are so responsible and she wants you to have time to be a kid and to have fun. She wants you to gain confidence through this mentorship, and she wants you to get out of the house and to have fun- to be selfish for once. I think that's wonderful, Katherine. I know you and your mother have your difficulties (as all mothers and daughters do) but I know she wants the best for you, and I am grateful that she cared enough to put you in this program so that we could meet. You and your mom love each other and I want to encourage you to keep that relationship strong.
So! I met you, I met your mom and siblings, I saw your home and we made our plans for our first date together. I'm so glad we did.
Love,
Caroline
A Little Background
Dear Katherine,
The last time we were together, you told me some things that disturbed me. I found myself at a loss for what to say to you, but I know that what I said next in that moment was critical. I did the best I could at the time, but afterward I felt I really hadn't said enough. That is what gave me the motivation to write these letters to you.
We've already spent a lot of time together and have quite a few fun memories piled up. I want to put those first few outings we had together down on paper before too much time passes and I forget anything. After I've caught you up on all that, I'll talk about this last date we had and what you said to prompt this journal. Okay? But even before I do that, I want to tell you a little about myself. By the time you read this, you may already know more about my childhood, but you may not. Just in case....here goes:
When we met in 2010, I was 27. I had been married to my husband for 7 years. We had no children- well, no human children! Our dog, Baker, is our four legged child- as you well know. :) I had an emotionally difficult childhood; especially during my teen years. Being a teenager, as you know, is hard. Life is tough and confusing and stressful as it is, but particularly for teenagers. I remember those years of my life very vividly, and perhaps that is what gives me such a heart for other young women going through the same things.
Anyway, I've been through a lot and as a result of my experiences, I have some very strong convictions about the way girls and women ought to be treated. Few things get me worked up more quickly than to see or hear of a woman being treated "less than" a man. My family, friends and co-workers can all attest to that! Examples of what I hate include women being discriminated against and treated poorly in the workplace:
I also hate sexual discrimination in our society, particularly via religion. I once heard a quote on NPR from a feminist who was talking about different religions and their affect on women over the centuries. I'll never forget what she said. "No religion has EVER been good for women."
This has certainly been my personal experience. My stepfather abused me, but because he and my mother were (and still are) in a religious cult, they held and subsequently forced me to live by their very twisted and unhealthy belief system. I felt powerless in my abuse. I have nightmares almost every night still and one recurring theme is where I'm trying to stand up to my stepfather and tell him I'm not going to take it any more. The ugly truth is that in those dreams, I'm a married adult yet I am still trying to escape from something I walked away from years ago.
Anyway, according to my parents' belief system, because my stepfather was a man he was inherently closer to God than the rest of our family. Just for having a penis, he was "worthy" of my obedience and demanded respect. Because I was a young, vulnerable female, their view was that I needed to be under his "protection". Under his sadistic thumb is more like it. Nonetheless, I was not valued and protected as I should have been. Instead I was abused and taken advantage of by an evil man in an evil religious belief system. It took me a long time to realize that my mother was just as much to blame for standing by and allowing this to happen. Isn't it sad that our mothers and other women in our lives can sabotage and hurt young girls instead of protecting them? Life is hard enough as it is...we should be working together to make things better.
Okay, enough about that. I only mention it to tell you why I joined Big Brothers Big Sisters in the first place. One day I finally asked myself, "If I care so much about the rights of women and girls, why aren't I doing anything about it?" It was a fair question. I needed to put my money where my mouth was. This is what led me to BBBS, and it was the best decision I could have made.
One more side note about myself. I am pretty successful considering my background and childhood. I wasn't given a hand up or any support, and yet I have accomplished a lot in my young life. I want to inspire you by showing you that even if you start in the back of the line, you CAN overcome and still make your dreams come true. You just need confidence. You need to believe in yourself and recognize that you have everything you need already inside your heart. A little encouragement wouldn't hurt, either, and that is what I hope to provide for you. I am your cheerleader.
Love,
Caroline
The last time we were together, you told me some things that disturbed me. I found myself at a loss for what to say to you, but I know that what I said next in that moment was critical. I did the best I could at the time, but afterward I felt I really hadn't said enough. That is what gave me the motivation to write these letters to you.
We've already spent a lot of time together and have quite a few fun memories piled up. I want to put those first few outings we had together down on paper before too much time passes and I forget anything. After I've caught you up on all that, I'll talk about this last date we had and what you said to prompt this journal. Okay? But even before I do that, I want to tell you a little about myself. By the time you read this, you may already know more about my childhood, but you may not. Just in case....here goes:
When we met in 2010, I was 27. I had been married to my husband for 7 years. We had no children- well, no human children! Our dog, Baker, is our four legged child- as you well know. :) I had an emotionally difficult childhood; especially during my teen years. Being a teenager, as you know, is hard. Life is tough and confusing and stressful as it is, but particularly for teenagers. I remember those years of my life very vividly, and perhaps that is what gives me such a heart for other young women going through the same things.
Anyway, I've been through a lot and as a result of my experiences, I have some very strong convictions about the way girls and women ought to be treated. Few things get me worked up more quickly than to see or hear of a woman being treated "less than" a man. My family, friends and co-workers can all attest to that! Examples of what I hate include women being discriminated against and treated poorly in the workplace:
- Not being taken seriously professionally
- Being paid less than men in similar roles
- Working as secretaries for men in management (servant roles)
- Not being allowed into the Boy's Club, which can be crucial for success
- Only hired for the most lowly roles in the company
- Being passed over for promotion opportunities and management roles
- Being subjected to sexual harassment
I also hate sexual discrimination in our society, particularly via religion. I once heard a quote on NPR from a feminist who was talking about different religions and their affect on women over the centuries. I'll never forget what she said. "No religion has EVER been good for women."
This has certainly been my personal experience. My stepfather abused me, but because he and my mother were (and still are) in a religious cult, they held and subsequently forced me to live by their very twisted and unhealthy belief system. I felt powerless in my abuse. I have nightmares almost every night still and one recurring theme is where I'm trying to stand up to my stepfather and tell him I'm not going to take it any more. The ugly truth is that in those dreams, I'm a married adult yet I am still trying to escape from something I walked away from years ago.
Anyway, according to my parents' belief system, because my stepfather was a man he was inherently closer to God than the rest of our family. Just for having a penis, he was "worthy" of my obedience and demanded respect. Because I was a young, vulnerable female, their view was that I needed to be under his "protection". Under his sadistic thumb is more like it. Nonetheless, I was not valued and protected as I should have been. Instead I was abused and taken advantage of by an evil man in an evil religious belief system. It took me a long time to realize that my mother was just as much to blame for standing by and allowing this to happen. Isn't it sad that our mothers and other women in our lives can sabotage and hurt young girls instead of protecting them? Life is hard enough as it is...we should be working together to make things better.
Okay, enough about that. I only mention it to tell you why I joined Big Brothers Big Sisters in the first place. One day I finally asked myself, "If I care so much about the rights of women and girls, why aren't I doing anything about it?" It was a fair question. I needed to put my money where my mouth was. This is what led me to BBBS, and it was the best decision I could have made.
One more side note about myself. I am pretty successful considering my background and childhood. I wasn't given a hand up or any support, and yet I have accomplished a lot in my young life. I want to inspire you by showing you that even if you start in the back of the line, you CAN overcome and still make your dreams come true. You just need confidence. You need to believe in yourself and recognize that you have everything you need already inside your heart. A little encouragement wouldn't hurt, either, and that is what I hope to provide for you. I am your cheerleader.
Love,
Caroline
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Introduction
Dear Katherine,
I have decided to start a journal for you. Every time we meet, I find myself full of things I want to say to you; things that you may not fully understand right now. It is my hope that you will keep this journal and that you will look back on our time together when you are older and you will see yourself in a new way. I hope that you will understand and be able to accept how precious you really are- and were all along.
In the meantime I will continue trying to get these messages across to you in a way you can hear and understand amid the static of distractions that fills your environment. I love you and think you are adorable (yes, really: ADORABLE) just the way you are. I value you, Katherine, and I hope that you will value yourself.
Love,
Caroline
I have decided to start a journal for you. Every time we meet, I find myself full of things I want to say to you; things that you may not fully understand right now. It is my hope that you will keep this journal and that you will look back on our time together when you are older and you will see yourself in a new way. I hope that you will understand and be able to accept how precious you really are- and were all along.
In the meantime I will continue trying to get these messages across to you in a way you can hear and understand amid the static of distractions that fills your environment. I love you and think you are adorable (yes, really: ADORABLE) just the way you are. I value you, Katherine, and I hope that you will value yourself.
Love,
Caroline
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